Contemplation
by clarity queen
Summary: Spike makes a hard decision.


I don´t own any of these characters...Joss Whedon does!.

Spike sat on his bed, He didn't know how long he had been sitting there but he knew it had been a while. It was a Sunday night and everyone had gone out to Lorne's new bar. Angel had taken the news about Lorne extremely well. They had decided to go out and surprise him but Spike just said he didn't feel well. He was tired and wanted to go to bed but when he had reached his room he felt wide awake.

"Great now I'm lying to myself" he thought. He stared up at the ceiling then at the clock on his locker. It was 2.30 am. He had been sitting in the same position for 4 hours. It didn't shock him one bit though, lately he seemed to be able to drift off for hours at a time. What did surprise him though were the things he thought about when he blanked out like this.

Sometimes he thought about how he had ended up where he was now. Sometimes he thought about his life and daydreamed about the what ifs. Most of this free time he thought about Buffy. He could think about that blonde from sunrise to sunset. He missed her a lot especially now after seeing her sister Dawn and best friend Willow. Seeing them had been a frightening blast from the past. He was excited and scared at the same time. Remembering them was easy but seeing them for the first time since turning human, and even the first time since coming back was hard. Dawn had freaked and claimed she hated him for leaving again and Willow couldn't believe her eyes. It took a while to explain everything to them and in the end Willow said she understood. He really felt for the first time, in a long time that someone did understand him. It was nice, sort of relieving. Some of the pain and bottled up feelings were then ventilated from his system.

Willow was one thing but Dawn was another person altogether. She was eighteen now. She was a women and things were different from the days when Spike could just smile and make all her tears dry. It was hard for her to understand him. After a few days she admitted to have been wrong, She had said all she wanted was for them to be friends again. Spike was glad that Dawn had just been testing him. She admitted to how much she missed their closeness but it was hard for her to understand his past and what he did to Buffy. Like he could ever forget, but she said that she knew he didn't have a soul and that it was probably something he was used to. He told her he would never forgive himself for what he had done.

"Buffy did, she forgave you because she knew you wanted to feel bad and pay for it" said Dawn.

"I missed you Dawn, even when we were together I missed you" he replied.

Dawn blushed and a tear fell down her cheek. She hugged him and instead of being embarrased or awkward Spike immediately hugged her back tightly, stroking her hair. They vowed to let nothing come between them again.

"Come home" she begged" if not for me, then for Buffy. She misses you so much."

Spike sat on his bed and shivered slightly. It was now 4 am. They still weren't home. He lay down on the bed as a surge of guilt began to rise in the pit of his stomach. He felt bad for not going to the bar and lying for his reasons. The reality was that he didn't want to be around them yet. He had told Dawn no. He had begged her not to ask why, but she pressed deeply on the subject. She began to ask the real reason why he had not come to see them.

"You don't care about us anymore, is that it?" she asked hurtfully. "You just decided you don't want to be around us anymore."

"No Dawn I just stayed here because I was needed" he said "I could never stop caring about you."

Dawn looked at him demanding an answer this time. "Why won't you come home then?"

Spike finally cracked. He had worked so hard to prevent this conversation. He had taken her to Lorne's new bar where it was impossible to be sad or miserable. "But not because of the service" he thought bitterly, "because of a spell". Dawn quickly realised his intentions of trying to let her down gently and dragged him to the back room where the spell was not activated. As soon as she hit the barrier of the spell she became angry and upset at the same time and Spike felt the guilt of having caused this sudden pain.

He sighed and let everything, the hostility and the secrets flow out of himself and he finally spoke his mind. "You don't need me bringin' you down anymore."

Dawn looked thrown back. "What do you mean "bring us down"?. You never-"

Spike simply waved a hand at her to stop and answered her slowly and honestly. "You don't need me to come back and ruin your lives. I only make things complicated, that's why I never came back. I love you two more than I even thought I could but it was best that I do the only good thing I've ever done and leave. Buffy doesn't care, she can always find someone else to help her but it's best I'm not around to confuse her. The two of you can live a normal life now and it's best I don't interfere. I only want you to be happy, and without me screwing up everything and hanging around you can be happy."

When he finished Dawn just trembled slightly. She let out a deep breath and looked him straight in the eyes. She smiled slightly as if seeing something funny in the matter. Spike just stood there confused. He waited for her to say something and it felt like an eternity until she finally opened her mouth.

"You don't screw up people's lives Spike. You don't confuse them. Buffy didn't just forget you, it took her a while to even accept that you were gone. I still think she's getting over you. She'll never find someone to replace you by her side. She'll never find someone to replace you in her heart. I'll never find someone who fills your space. We'll never find someone to replace you."

Spike was touched by Dawn's words. He felt proud of this girl, this woman who had grown up so much in the time he had known her.

He simply stared at her, his stomach in knots as he looked at his niblet.

"Try Dawn, try to see why I'm doing this" he begged, her words weighing down fast on him. "I can't go home, because it's not home anymore."

Dawn grabbed his hands tightly pulling his full attention to her, and pushing her meaning on him. "A home is a place where you're surrounded by family and the people who love you most. You're home is where ever Buffy and I are. We love you and need you."

Spike smiled at her words. He wanted to go back with her but he'd have to sort himself out first. He was different now, he had grown up more since staying in LA.

"I'm not telling Buffy, okay?" he sighed.

Dawn started jumping up and down ecstaticly. She yelled and screamed and beamed at him. He couldn't believe he had given in so easily. What would happen if it didn't work out? What would Buffy say? How would the Fang gang react? Would he and Angel argue? After all they always did. He began to instantly have second thoughts but when he looked at Dawn she just smiled.

"I love you." she managed, tears in her eyes as she pulled him close. they stood there hugging for a long time. After a while they pulled apart and Dawn asked if they could go into the bar and dance. He couldn't resist saying yes, she looked so happy. They left the back room and instantly the spell took effect. As they walked through the door into the beautiful room he noticed that the expression and the feelings didn't change for Dawn. Her smile stood in place as she followed him from one room to the other. They walked to the middle of the room to the floor and rested on each other for a dance. Lorne must have sensed the mood because he began to play an old Elvis number "Wise men say only fools rush in but...". The music was just right and Spike didn't know whether it was the spell or his own feelings but as he held Dawn and they began to move to the music he thought "This will work".

That was a week ago. Spike lay on his bed staring at the clock. He felt another pang of guilt in his stomach. He hadn't told them about his decision, he had told Willow who was delighted and said she'd tell Buffy. She said Buffy would be surprised but really happy. She even said she missed him and hugged him.

"I think Xander even missed you." she laughed. Spike was surprised about this and that made him think of Anya. He had only heard of her dying earlier that week. It was very sad because he and Anya had been very close at times and he had missed her when he was gone.

"You'll here it different when he finds out I'm alive." he countered but laughed aswell.

Spike lay in the darkness and heard a noise. He heard people in the hallway. It was Angel and Gunn. They were talking quietly. Even though he had told them he was sick Angel knew it was to do with Dawn and Willow visiting but he thought he was dealing with seeing them. He didn't know Spike was leaving and wouldn't until Spike could tell him. He wanted to hear from Buffy first. Did she know yet? Had they told her yet? Was she angry? Did she want him to come back?

Spike's thoughts were cut short as he threw the covers over himself and turned away as Angel peered in through the door. He saw him sleeping and closed the door gently. Spike lay wide awake as he heard Angel tell Gunn he was asleep, he felt another rush of guilt. He was getting tired of lying and keeping secrets. There were so many times when he wanted to tell them about leaving but he wanted so desperately to hear from Buffy first. She was all he had to wait for, but if Dawn didn't call he would just stay in LA. He would understand completely if she didn't want to see him again. It would be hard to see her again but he really did want to. He loved her so much.

He heard no noise then and realised Angel and Gunn must have gone to bed. Now he was left in silence again. Alone in his bed he lay and thought some more about home. Suddenly he felt a buzzing and realised he'd left his phone in his pocket. "Stupid Spike!" he thought "At least it's on silent." He pulled the phone from his pocket and answered it without even looking at the name or number. He thought it was a wrong number. "Hello?" he asked. He was shocked as the voice came over the phone, "Spike?". He knew the voice instantly. What could he say? He had only heard the voice in his head since the last time he saw her. He kept quiet and calm as not to make noise but he ventured an answer. "Yeah love, it's me." Her next words were excited and rushed "Are you coming to Rome soon?". Spike felt relieved, there was tension definitely but he could tell she meant it. She had missed him. Dawn had been telling the truth. He wanted to shout but he kept the calm when he answered "Yeah as soon as I can." It was almost like before, and it could be now. He was happier than he had been in months. They were really talking, he cursed himself mentally for being so stupid and not calling right away. He wondered why he wasn't there with her now. "Good and try not to die on the way. I missed you so much Spike, hearing you were alive brought the life back into me. I can't wait till you get here so we can have one of our intense converstaions." said Buffy, delight in her voice. Spike just laughed "Yeah, we can talk about the Brad and Jen break up." He heard her laugh on the other side of the phone. He wished he was there, he missed her smile. "Yeah and about Angelina stealing him. I'll call you tomorrow Spike and we can talk some more, okay?" she asked. Spike smiled widely "Great I'd love that." " Oh and Spike?" he heard her ask. " Yes Buffy?" he asked thrilled to pieces. "Get here soon?" she asked hopefully. He said clearly and tried to sound as definite as he could. "I'm on my way. I missed you, bye". " Okay then, bye." she said and hung up the phone. Spike simply looked at the phone for a few minutes. That had really happened and he was going home. He placed the phone on his locker and decided he would tell Angel in the morning. He suddenly felt tired and within minutes he was asleep. He slept for hours that night. He dreamt of everything, of Buffy, of home, of how he would get there and of all the what ifs.

THE END.


End file.
